sweettessa_nj (sweettessa_nj) wrote in jerseymommy,

Worry eats away whats left of my heart

I am worried about my little guy. He is going to be four years old next Friday Sept 1. Lately though as we get ready for preschool I have become more and more concerned with his learning ability. I knew early on that he seemed to have less of a desire to learn then Briana had at his age but I tried to dismiss it that boys are different then girls. Or that they are each individuals and learn at different paces. Latley though my mom and stepdad who are now watching them also have pointed out his short attention span and difficulty with his memory. We all have really started to work with him and teach him but he struggles remembering from one hour to the next or he will try to change the subject completely. Briana is 2 years older and amazingly brilliant for her age. But she also has kind of taking charge with Lenny since he was born. Always helping him so that he never really learned on his own. My mom suggested taking him to a child study team.Tonight they told me they are afraid when he goes to school to preschool in a few weeks that the he may feel insecure or be made fun of because of his speech. They are suggested that I let them watch him this year instead. But I worry then that he will not gain the peer skills he needs before kindergarten next year. I am so worried. 

Also about a year ago I pointed out to the pediatrician a bump he has on the top of his head where his soft spot is. The Dr told me it was normal and would go away on its own, but it never has. I have a Dr appt for him the first week of Sept, and I think I am going to ask the Dr about getting it checked out further with tests. My neurotic side is going in hyper overload as I worry of all the many possible outcomes of this. I worry that something is seriously wrong with his brain. I worry that he could have a learning disability and I want to make sure he never feels insecure because of this if he does. I feel guilty that perhaps there is more emotional issues at hand stemming from the lack of having a core family environment and their father always being in and out. How has both Lenny and Jose being in and out of their lives effecting him? I know all of the abandonment issues I have because of this same thing happening in my childhood and I worry that could be troubling my little angel. I feel like I have not been the best of mothers and that so many nights of overtime over the years and school have kept me from giving him the time and attention that was so crucial those first few delicate years. I feel like I can't win. I want whats best for them and what if I haven't been giving that to them? What if there is something wrong because of me? 

My mom also says that Briana and Lenny remind her alot of me and my brother Fred. He was 2 years younger then me. I was very much like Briana, reading as soon as I can and picking up on things very quickly. I took my little brother under my wing and he followed as Lenny follows Briana. In school Fred always had the same teachers I had had and each always compared him to his big sister who had been so smart. I was in the gifted and talented program and Fred had been in special classes as he struggled to grasp concepts. School was my escape from the chaos at home but for Fred many times it was the hell that followed him home with his failing marks that caused my stefather to berate him even more. To this day Fred struggles with insecurities, and although I do too mine were never of my mind in a learning aspect at least. 

I want so much more then that for my son. He is the must amazing and lovable child I have met. He is so beautiful. I don't know how to handle this situation if it really turns out to even be one. Suddenly I do feel like I am a young mother that lacks the knowledge to be the best to him. From the day I brought my daughter into this world even only being 18 and knowing so little I had always felt that being a mother felt natural and I was confident in my ability to love and nurture. Suddenly for the first time in 6 years I am scared that everyone was right. What if it was unfair to my children to have a mother who is so young still is learning. To not have a mother and father both to love and guide them. I don't want to fail with their precious angelic little lives in my hands. I don't know what to do. Why am I feeling like this? Its not healthy. 

I feel like I have been so selfish in my self centered concerns. Worrying about love and sex, work, school, what I had and lost, what I want, etc when all along where my mind should have been stood right in front of me. 


I need advice.
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